This happened about three weeks ago on the penultimate week of my B. Tech programme in the hallowed NITK engineering institute...
I was sitting on the front steps of the fifth block hostel (also known proudly as the final block) sipping on the packet flavour milk that claimed to be elaichi flavour. As usual, I had to bite on the tip of the plastic cover unsuccessfully for five minutes to get it opened. The stray dog sitting on the porch must have been staring at me lazily and smiling sarcastically inwards -'Oh the inefficiency of these humans! And to think he'll have a B. Tech degree in a fortnight!'
Anyway, I finally dropped the straw in and took a sip. Was all the effort opening it worth it I wondered as the milk touched my tongue and went down the throat. Arghh! Anyway I'm paying for the mess bill, might as well drink it (we are shettys you know, now is that spelled shetties for plural I wonder). Then my MotoSLVR rings. An unlnown caller. 'Hello?'
On the other end: Who is this! ( a sweet female voice!)
To self: Aha! A female, hope not a salesperson.
To the female: You called me, please identify yourself first.
UFC (unknown Female Caller): No! You tell me who you are first.
To self: talk about indecency, anyway, since its only a harmless sweet sounding (maybe beautiful female...
Me: okayyy, this is Vijay. How may i help you? ( I'm always the purrfect gentleman you see).
UFC: You better stop harassing my cousin Priyanka. I know you have been calling her up and troubling her consistently. Even her parents know about this now. if this continues, we will be forced to lodge a complaint with the police!
To self: ???????
Me: I'm sorry, you must have got the wrong person. I don't know any Priyanka. Please check the number you dialled.
UBF (at this point I must rename her Unknown Belting Female to better represent her role): Yeah right. no point trying to covering up. i know who you are, you are Suresh right. I know all about you!
To self: Is this girl gone off the rocker? I told her barely two minutes ago that my name was Vijay. Lemme try again. Maybe she suffers from short term memory loss like the antagonist of the film 'Memento' by Christopher Nolan (if you haven't watched it yet, please do.)
Me: Sorry, my name is Vijay. I'm telling you that you have the wrong numb...
UBF: Yeah right, don't think you can put on a fake identity!
To self: What the !@#$ ! What's wrong with this not so sweet anymore female?
Me: I repeat, you have got the wrong person. Please check the person you have dialled.
UBF: Don't tell me what to do....
Click. At this point I cut off the phone, mildly offended that this female besmirches my reputation and amused that she could actually say I was using a fake identity. Then I got thinking, maybe I have an alter ego, the darker side who calls himself Suresh and goes around harassing females for time-pass. If Edward Norton could have one in 'Fight Club' by David Fincher (If you haven't watched this one yet, You haven't lived at all!). But I quickly dismiss the notion thinking, if I did have an alter ego, he surely would go by a more suede and stylish name, not a Suresh (ughh!) and he would be more darker, not a useless girl-harasser. Maybe a con artist or something like Danny in Hustle ( again watch this BBC series please). Thus satisfied, I walk back into the block.
Ten minutes later, I'm back in my room thinking I can't have her have the last word in that demeaning conversation. i pick up my phone and start typing, 'You better apologise to me or ill be forced to lodge a complaint against you with the police.' And i lay down on my bed waiting for a reply.
Bbeep. Ah a message from who else but the UBF- 'im extremely sorry. i dialled the rong no by mistake. me was in a lot of tension. dialled urs instead of 3455. soo sorry.' There, thats better.
I type back -' Apology accepted. in the future, be more careful. hope suresh stops harassing ur cousin. i do appreciate your standing up to ur cousin though.'
(Always the gentleman, and who can resist a small chance to flirt.)
Reply back - 'she not ma cousin. jus ma friend. she was very anxious, so i decided to help her.'
I type - 'wow! that was a nice tactic covering ur back in case he tried to trace u back! and probably the thing abt her parents knowing was also crap.' (Trust me, she'll be flirting with me now.)
Reply back - 'sorry, culdn follow wat u said'
To self: Oh, another of those good looking dumbo bimbo.
I type - 'i meant u saying u were her cousin and all instead of revealing ur true identity.'
Reply back - ' Oh that! Yeah, thanks. '
And thats all folks. I live on gallantly and with an unblemished record.
I did mention this episode to my friend the lizardking half an hour later in his room. I could see his eyes sparkling with mischief as he said, 'As an apology, you should have asked her to have #$% with you.' Yeah right, if things in the real world were that easy...
Anyway, that evening I was feeling quite bored and suffering from a headache until this episode lightened me up. Thank you, UBF!
I was sitting on the front steps of the fifth block hostel (also known proudly as the final block) sipping on the packet flavour milk that claimed to be elaichi flavour. As usual, I had to bite on the tip of the plastic cover unsuccessfully for five minutes to get it opened. The stray dog sitting on the porch must have been staring at me lazily and smiling sarcastically inwards -'Oh the inefficiency of these humans! And to think he'll have a B. Tech degree in a fortnight!'
Anyway, I finally dropped the straw in and took a sip. Was all the effort opening it worth it I wondered as the milk touched my tongue and went down the throat. Arghh! Anyway I'm paying for the mess bill, might as well drink it (we are shettys you know, now is that spelled shetties for plural I wonder). Then my MotoSLVR rings. An unlnown caller. 'Hello?'
On the other end: Who is this! ( a sweet female voice!)
To self: Aha! A female, hope not a salesperson.
To the female: You called me, please identify yourself first.
UFC (unknown Female Caller): No! You tell me who you are first.
To self: talk about indecency, anyway, since its only a harmless sweet sounding (maybe beautiful female...
Me: okayyy, this is Vijay. How may i help you? ( I'm always the purrfect gentleman you see).
UFC: You better stop harassing my cousin Priyanka. I know you have been calling her up and troubling her consistently. Even her parents know about this now. if this continues, we will be forced to lodge a complaint with the police!
To self: ???????
Me: I'm sorry, you must have got the wrong person. I don't know any Priyanka. Please check the number you dialled.
UBF (at this point I must rename her Unknown Belting Female to better represent her role): Yeah right. no point trying to covering up. i know who you are, you are Suresh right. I know all about you!
To self: Is this girl gone off the rocker? I told her barely two minutes ago that my name was Vijay. Lemme try again. Maybe she suffers from short term memory loss like the antagonist of the film 'Memento' by Christopher Nolan (if you haven't watched it yet, please do.)
Me: Sorry, my name is Vijay. I'm telling you that you have the wrong numb...
UBF: Yeah right, don't think you can put on a fake identity!
To self: What the !@#$ ! What's wrong with this not so sweet anymore female?
Me: I repeat, you have got the wrong person. Please check the person you have dialled.
UBF: Don't tell me what to do....
Click. At this point I cut off the phone, mildly offended that this female besmirches my reputation and amused that she could actually say I was using a fake identity. Then I got thinking, maybe I have an alter ego, the darker side who calls himself Suresh and goes around harassing females for time-pass. If Edward Norton could have one in 'Fight Club' by David Fincher (If you haven't watched this one yet, You haven't lived at all!). But I quickly dismiss the notion thinking, if I did have an alter ego, he surely would go by a more suede and stylish name, not a Suresh (ughh!) and he would be more darker, not a useless girl-harasser. Maybe a con artist or something like Danny in Hustle ( again watch this BBC series please). Thus satisfied, I walk back into the block.
Ten minutes later, I'm back in my room thinking I can't have her have the last word in that demeaning conversation. i pick up my phone and start typing, 'You better apologise to me or ill be forced to lodge a complaint against you with the police.' And i lay down on my bed waiting for a reply.
Bbeep. Ah a message from who else but the UBF- 'im extremely sorry. i dialled the rong no by mistake. me was in a lot of tension. dialled urs instead of 3455. soo sorry.' There, thats better.
I type back -' Apology accepted. in the future, be more careful. hope suresh stops harassing ur cousin. i do appreciate your standing up to ur cousin though.'
(Always the gentleman, and who can resist a small chance to flirt.)
Reply back - 'she not ma cousin. jus ma friend. she was very anxious, so i decided to help her.'
I type - 'wow! that was a nice tactic covering ur back in case he tried to trace u back! and probably the thing abt her parents knowing was also crap.' (Trust me, she'll be flirting with me now.)
Reply back - 'sorry, culdn follow wat u said'
To self: Oh, another of those good looking dumbo bimbo.
I type - 'i meant u saying u were her cousin and all instead of revealing ur true identity.'
Reply back - ' Oh that! Yeah, thanks. '
And thats all folks. I live on gallantly and with an unblemished record.
I did mention this episode to my friend the lizardking half an hour later in his room. I could see his eyes sparkling with mischief as he said, 'As an apology, you should have asked her to have #$% with you.' Yeah right, if things in the real world were that easy...
Anyway, that evening I was feeling quite bored and suffering from a headache until this episode lightened me up. Thank you, UBF!
2 comments:
Haha..never miss a chance to flirt
lol! how does it always happen with you?
p.s. did ubf also commit suicide after flirting with you?
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